The Queen though »
— Imam Ali (a.s)
But today, considering the significance of this date for me, I also got some of the best news ever. For a few months now, myself and my family have been worried because my aunt got diagnosed with cancer, the same cancer my mum beat in 2008. However, as the two were exactly the same strain and type, the doctors insisted it was genetic and took a sample of the RET gene to check if it was mutated. The consultants initial perspective was that the gene was inherited, and myself and my cousins and siblings would all have to go for testing to see if we carried it too and were at risk of developing that bastard disease at some point in the future.
It’s been weighing heavy on my heart for some time, but i tried to remain stronger and push it away. My aunt had surgery last week and it went extremely well, and just yesterday we got told that the whole thing had been removed and she didn’t even need to have radiotherapy anymore, which was fantastic.
But to top it all of… On a day like today, the consultant called again to state the cancer wasn’t genetic after all, the RET gene was normal and we’re all clear so none of us have to go for tests anymore! Never breathed a bigger sigh of relief in my life, i’m just so grateful for everything right now i’m getting overly sentimental. I feel as if the fact that I found this out on today of all days, it’s just further incentive, further proof that everything happens for a reason.
Allah knows best - and i’m beyond thankful.
That there wasn’t such a destructive or misunderstood stigma associated with this word. I wish people didn’t take one look at you and immediately say, “Ah, you’ll get over it,” like you’ve just been turned down for a job, or “just pray,” the latter of which was always in the norm.
From someone who beat this bastard twice, not just the once, a singular period of time, but two times during the last 10 years, there is NOTHING i hate more than the apathy and ignorance and thoroughly negative connotations that are born from the word. It’s not something you can brush under the carpet, I honestly wish I could, I pray that I could, i wish I was brave enough to admit it and accept the past, but that’s harder than it seems. I’m not strong enough, i’m still angry, still frustrated, it’s still something that took me a while to understand. 99% of that is aimed at myself, my own actions aren’t something that I need to take lightly. I keep things to myself a hell of a lot, but i think I work better this way, I don’t want the sympathy or questions that I’m unable to answer, which is what I’ll get right?? I’ve only divulged this entire topic to not even a handful of people on this planet, that is quite sad, but I have reasons. I trust a lot of people, but only a limited few know the extent of what actually been through, and that was after years of knowing them and building up an unbreakable trust, it says something that I didn’t even mention this to my own parents, grandparents of any family members whatsoever except my cousin who I knew would understand because she’s been through it too, except she’s dealing with it differently.
It’s hard when i look through my diaries, yearbooks and other stuff and find the same three words scrawled everywhere, like the first part of the below image which i wrote in my yearbook around 5 years ago….I wouldn’t say i’ve achieved even a quarter of the meaning of that yet, but compared to the dark, lonely, destructive hole I was in 9 years ago, my life has much more meaning now. I’m much happier. I’m much stronger, i’ve achieved so many of my goals and dreams and i’ve not even started properly yet.
People look at me and assume that i’m happy, so much so that i’ve never been asked if i’m unhappy, although the answer is much different to what it was a few years ago because I am… now. I think the only thing that i’m proud off aside from failing and then beating it, is the fact that I kept it so guarded, no one even batted an eyelid, but that tends to overwhelm sometimes although I know I made the right choice. So in light of the 9 year “anniversary” of that ill-fated day that I try not to remember considering it was lowest point of my life, but I take comfort in knowing that I didn’t succeed purely because it wasn’t meant to be, and because Allah knows best, and that it happened for a very important reason which is becoming clearer as the days go on… I just wanted to repeatedly state, the following.
Dear Depression. Fuck you. I beat you.
Look who won in the end. :)
But I force myself to…
I force myself to reflect on this every year, that’s what I’m supposed to do right? I’m supposed to digest how far i’ve made it so far? Still makes me so angry though, but the only thing i’ve always been certain about, and the only thing I can truly guarantee is that, it’ll never happen again, ever, and i’m grateful for that. So grateful.
I’m much stronger than I think and know, this last 9 years proves that. It took a while for me to stop blaming myself, and part of me still does, because who else can I really blame for my own actions? I thoroughly despise the whole idea of remembering this “anniversary” but it has to be done, purely because I need to get it into my thick skull how strong I really am. How far i’ve made it, and how amazing my life is right now. But that’s much easier said than done…
And I wish I didn’t have the habit of blocking everything and everyone out on purpose when I make an important realisation and every single thing hits me at once. After all… it’s just a front. But I don’t have the energy anymore. One of the two people who know, asked me how I keep all these secrets in my head and never let on the other day, I thought about it - but i still don’t have the answer. Except that I don’t like hurting people around me who i know will feel immensely guilty and upset, I don’t want to be viewed from a different point with sympathy, and full of “What If’s” because none of those “What If’s” matter simply because it wasn’t supposed to be, alhamdulillah. I don’t get why I always get so nervous around this time of the year however, I mean, I guess it’s only natural, but I have no idea whether it’s normal because I can’t speak to anyone about it. You don’t know what goes through the head of someone who deals with something like this unless you’ve been through it yourself, right? Which makes this super hard, it’s not exactly a topic you drop mid-conversation. Still super painful almost a decade on, a lot of aggro, anger and resentment, but that too shall pass.
Only got one life to live.